As we noted earlier, boys and girls receive different gender messages based on the gender binary. Let's look at how these messages play out — and how they devalue femininity across the board.
Gendered Messages for Boys and Girls
The gender binary demands that boys reject things that are feminine — including sensitivity and affection, as well as feminine clothing, toys, traits, and behaviours. Through this process, boys also reject feminine people, whether girls or boys, by making fun of, teasing, and mocking feminine people and things.
While boys are bombarded with messages that they must be masculine and reject anything seen as feminine, girls receive more confusing and often contradictory messages.
Girls are equally bombarded with messages that they must be feminine, but at the same time, they also receive messages that femininity is stupid, silly, or less important. This is because the gender binary isn't fairly divided — it's unequal and structured as a hierarchy.
We can see these unequal messages that devalue femininity across genders surface in a lot of different ways.
Contradictory Messages
These contradictions show up in real people's lives. Here's what some research participants shared:
"Ever since I was little — from the way I dressed, from the music I listened to, the way I spoke or presented myself. On one hand femininity was imposed on me for being born a girl ('a lady must do this' or 'can't do that'), on the other, being called a 'girl' or a 'pussy' etc. was offensive and diminishing. I see the same dynamics now with my own daughter."
— Anonymous Research Participant (Lily)
"When I was a kid, because I was born a girl, or assigned as a girl, I was handed dolls etc. to play with. And I loved my dolls, but when I reached the age of about 8/9, I soon realised the lack of value in girly things. I wanted to become a tomboy and hide my desire to play with girly toys. I wanted to hang around with the guys, as even from a very young age, I saw the value in the masculine. As an adult, I felt ashamed or embarrassed about being girly in any sense."
— Anonymous Research Participant (Rebecca)
Activity: Your Contradictory Messages
Activity: Your Contradictory Messages
Think about the contradictory messages you may have received growing up — or that you see children in your life receiving now.
- Were you ever told to "be more ladylike" and at the same time made to feel that feminine things were silly or unimportant?
- Did you ever feel pulled between wanting to enjoy something feminine and sensing that it would cost you respect or acceptance?
- Do you notice these contradictory messages showing up for children in your life today? What do they look like?
More Examples
View the videos below for some additional discussion about how contradictory gender messages show up in everyday life — and how they shape the way children learn to value (or devalue) femininity.
These contradictory messages create a no-win situation — especially for girls. Next, we'll look at one common response to this bind: the "I'm not like other girls" trope, and what it reveals about how femininity is devalued.
© We Are Family, 2026
