Stories We're Told — Rules About Femininity

Perhaps some of the messages or "rules" you received as a child were that femininity was for girls and women, that boys can't be feminine (or at least shouldn't be), and that femininity is weak, silly, and unimportant.

The list of femininity "myths" is long! Let's explore a few of them together. Some of these may be familiar to you, others may be new (to you) but common for others.

Myth 1: Masculine Right of Access

There is a common cultural and social belief that femininity is for attracting or serving men, no matter who is expressing it! In other words, when we see a feminine man or a feminine woman, we assume they are attracted to men (e.g., gay man, straight woman).

In this example, femininity is seen as something that is done "for men." This myth or assumption feeds into many other myths about femininity.

Myth 2: Gaydar — People Can "Look Gay"

The way someone looks has little to do with their sexual identity or attractions (gay/straight). Sure, sometimes our assumptions turn out to be right, but this is what researchers call "confirmation bias" and the "representativeness heuristic." Both help to maintain the idea (myth) that a person can LOOK gay or straight — i.e., feminine men are assumed to be gay, and masculine women are assumed to be lesbians.

Yes, a feminine man MIGHT be gay… but gay men can be masculine, too! Masculine men just rarely catch our eye as being potentially gay. And actually, not every feminine man is gay. In fact, statistically, most feminine men are straight (Cox et al., 2017)!

Myth 3: Masculinity Is Gender-Neutral

There is a tendency to accept masculinity as "gender-neutral" (Hoskin, 2020). A good example of this is how society is more comfortable with a woman (gender identity) wearing pants (gender expression) than a man (gender identity) wearing a skirt (gender expression).

Another example is the way we see gendered Halloween costumes, as previously discussed. This imbalance is, in part, a product of seeing masculinity as neutral.

When we put pants and skirts side-by-side, skirts are seen as feminine and pants as masculine, but when a girl or woman wears pants instead of a skirt, we often read this as "neutral" rather than masculine. So "neutral" isn't really somewhere in between feminine and masculine — "neutral" is actually masculinity by a different name!

Despite society's acceptance of masculinity as neutral, this is still a myth. Masculinity is no less "gendered" than femininity. Both come with expectations, "rules," and consequences. So, there is no true "neutral" point in the gender binary — it is both divided and hierarchical.

Myth 4: Feminine Women Are Anti-Feminist

Historically, it's actually been the other way around! Feminine women have a long history of being seen as anti-feminist and have not always been welcome within feminist groups (Scott, 2021).

Here, and within broader society, feminine women are sometimes seen as being "brainwashed" to be feminine by society, as though they would never express themselves in feminine ways by choice (Mishali, 2014). In this way, only masculine or androgynous women can be feminists.

But, why would women need to stay away from anything feminine in order to be accepted as feminists? Well, what we're seeing here is femmephobia: devaluing things that are feminine and restricting or controlling who can — and should or shouldn't — be feminine.

Myth 5: Feminine Lesbians "Just Want Attention"

It is common for people to think that feminine lesbians or "femmes" are faking their sexuality for attention — the attention of men, in particular! Remember Myth #1: if femininity is something that is done for men, why would lesbian women need to be feminine?

At the same time, there is also an assumption that feminine lesbians are "in the closet" and trying to hide their sexual orientation, or that they are somehow less "out" than butch lesbians or more masculine queer and bisexual women. Because of this view of femininity, bisexual and queer femmes are also seen as less authentically queer.

These ideas are based on the assumption or false belief that all feminine women are straight. Femmes, then, are seen as "using" this assumption to their advantage as a way to hide their sexuality. But for many femmes, this could not be further from the truth!

In fact, we know that femmes have historically wanted to be seen and accepted as BOTH femme and lesbian or bisexual. This is a great example of how gender expression (femininity, in this case) is not the same as sexual orientation (being lesbian). See how they get "mashed" together, even though they are separate things?

Being accepted as both femme and lesbian or bisexual is still important to people today, as seen in the research by Gunn and colleagues (2021) and Blair and Hoskin (2015; 2016). These researchers found that there were no differences in how "out" femme, butch, or androgynous women were — so being "feminine" or "masculine" had nothing to do with trying to hide their sexual orientation (or their internalized homophobia, for that matter).

Myth 6: Feminine People Want to Be Women

Because the gender binary gives us only two (pretty rigid) options, there is a myth that feminine people are (or want to be) women. Of course, some feminine people are women and they use femininity as a way of expressing their womanhood. That said, not all people who express femininity ARE women. As we've discussed, men and nonbinary people can also express themselves in ways that are feminine.

The assumption that feminine people are or want to be women often comes with the best intentions. Let's say you have an adult friend or child who was assigned male at birth and expresses in feminine ways (e.g., by painting their nails or wearing makeup). You want to show your support, so you avoid placing them in a "man" or "boy" category.

Of course, it's always great to avoid putting anyone into a category they haven't chosen for themselves, but in this example, your response may be based on the underlying assumption that femininity is for girls and women (so your friend cannot be a boy/man).

But is it really what people wear or what they are interested in that makes them a woman or a man? In addition to assuming a feminine boy/man is "less of a man," they are also assumed to be gay or otherwise not attracted to women (i.e., back to Myth #1 — the masculine right of access). Neither of these assumptions is inherently true.

What happens when we make these assumptions is that they can lead to femininity being "off-limits" to boys and men. As we've discussed, putting femininity in the off-limits zone for boys and men is a recipe for toxic masculinity.

The same is true for the other side of the binary: not all people who express themselves in masculine ways are (or want to be) men! Nor does this mean that they are sexually attracted to women, either. These are assumptions or myths — all connected to the limits of the gender binary.

Myth-Busting Goals

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Our intention behind addressing these myths is not to comfort parents that their child will not be LGBTQ+.

Our goal is to bring parents' attention to the different assumptions we can make based on gender, sex, and gender expression so that we can make space for all identities.

Of course, our goal in doing so is to support our children in reaching their hopes and dreams, rather than having these possibilities limited by socializing agents.