Like the media, families are powerful socializing agents. Families are also the first context where children begin to learn who they are as gendered beings.
Many of the messages children receive about the world and how to exist in it come from their family. Through family interactions, children learn early in life what gender expressions are acceptable and available to them.
Part of this learning process involves the family's response to expressions that are different from what they consider to be the norm. These responses can involve expressions of disapproval or discouragement, jokes, verbal abuse, harassment, or physical abuse. They can also be communicated indirectly through commentary about the child's surrounding world.
Often, these responses can come from a desire to protect children from societal harm, such as harassment, bullying, or violence.
Unequal Repercussions for Feminine Boys vs. Masculine Girls
Research has shown that there are different repercussions for "feminine boys" compared to "masculine girls" (see Hoskin, 2019; 2020).
For Example:
Feminine boys (assigned male at birth) are at greater risk of:
- Bullying, ridicule, and rejection from peer activities
- Facing isolation and criticism from peers and teachers alike
- Suicidality, depression, and anxiety
- Higher rates of parents seeking counselling for their feminine boys versus masculine girls
Masculine girls (assigned female at birth) experience less:
- Alienation for their gender expression than feminine boys
- Negative feedback from their teachers and peers than feminine boys
- Disapproval from fathers. Fathers describe disapproving or correcting the gender expression of feminine boys but not masculine girls.
And, of course, we can think about the different terms used for feminine boys and masculine girls.
While masculine girls may proudly refer to themselves as "tomboys," the terms used for feminine boys are considered derogatory (e.g., sissy).
This all boils down to… preferences for masculinity. The early messages of masculine privileging in childhood continue throughout the lifespan (see Hoskin and Serafini, 2023).
Planting the Seeds of Femmephobic Violence
The effects of childhood gender policing are greater for trans-feminine youth. For example, trans-feminine youth (i.e., children assigned male at birth who do not identify as men or boys) report experiences of transphobia from earlier ages than trans-masculine youth. Trans-feminine youth also report more instances of being physically victimized than trans-masculine youth (Hoskin, 2020).
As adults, trans women face a higher risk of verbal, physical, and sexual harassment. Most concerning, nearly 100% of those accounted for by the Transgender Day of Remembrance (i.e., the national day of mourning lives lost to transphobic violence) are transgender women (Namaste, 2005).
When compared to masculine or androgynous women, feminine women experience a higher risk of adult sexual assault (Lehavot et al., 2012), and femininity is often used to blame victims of all genders for being assaulted (Davies et al., 2012).
Feminine gay men face the brunt of homophobia and prejudice compared to masculine gay men (Jewell & Morrison, 2012) — even from within the LGBTQ+ community (Davies et al., 2023)! Outside of the LGBTQ+ community, there is greater fear, hostility, and discomfort toward feminine gay men, and discomfort with femininity in men is a better predictor of anti-gay violence than even homophobia (Hoskin et al., 2024)!
Families Matter
Returning to families, childhood, and the messages children receive about gender, masculine privileging, and femmephobia: families are not only "where the foundation of our beliefs and practices are laid down." They're also the place where "beliefs and practices may be altered" (Allen & Jaramillo-Sierra, 2015, p. 98) in ways that ripple through the lifespan.
In other words, families have the power to shape and reshape a child's gendered world.
Activity: Messages About Gender in Your Family
Activity: Messages About Gender in Your Family
Think about the messages you received about gender growing up in your family.
- Were there different expectations for boys and girls?
- How did your family respond to gender expression that was different from the "norm"?
- Were there things you weren't allowed to do, wear, or play with because of your gender?
- How might those messages still influence you today?
Whether it's on the playground, during extracurriculars, on TV, or at home, femmephobic messages saturate the lives of children and parents. The messages are consistent: femininity is of less value and only girls or women can or should be feminine, but only in certain ways. What feminine part of yourself did you have to destroy in order to survive?
© We Are Family, 2026