To some, the messages girls receive about femininity and how to be a "girl" may seem contradictory: if the gender binary demands girls behave in feminine ways, then surely girls must be rewarded for being feminine!
That's Not Always the Case.
As Lily and Rebecca describe, girls and women receive the message that they are required to be feminine, but that they will be devalued for it. Of course, girls who are masculine face different kinds of prejudices and social repercussions, but that doesn't mean that feminine girls experience blanket acceptance.
Once again, that's because the gender binary is a hierarchy!
The gender binary punishes girls for being masculine, but also causes us to see feminine girls as "lesser" in many ways.
The "Pick-Me Girl" and "Cool Girl" Trope
One example of this phenomenon is the "Pick-me girl," "Cool Girl Trope," or the "I'm not like other girls" saying. Perhaps you've witnessed one of these examples yourself: the "cool girl" in the movie who is depicted as being unlike the other girls who focus on "silly things" like makeup.
It's important to distinguish that her being a bit of a tomboy isn't the problem. Tomboys and masculine women are both important expressions woven into the gender tapestry.
The problem with the "cool girl" depiction is that she rejects, mocks, and distances herself from femininity in order to be taken seriously, listened to, respected, or included — not because femininity doesn't fit with who she is, but because she has been trained to view feminine things as having less value in society than those that are masculine.
So, she may restrict or deny herself access to femininity in favour of masculinity, which can be socially rewarded (e.g., not being mocked, teased, put down, or excluded). But at what cost? What are the losses here when she has to mock others to fit in, be accepted, and be valued by society?
A Seat at the Table for All
We believe there should be a seat at the proverbial table for all gender expressions, and that payment for a seat in the form of making fun of femininity is unacceptable — it's a form of control that works to change people into what others want them to be, not who they really are.
Learn More
Watch the videos below to learn more about the “Pick Me Girl” phenomenon.
We've now seen how femmephobia shows up in myths, on the playground, and in the labels and tropes that shape how girls see themselves. Next, we'll explore how femmephobia works in specific everyday contexts — from family to media and beyond.
© We Are Family, 2026
